Girl Unplugged

As the great William Shakespeare never once said:

“To pod, or not to pod? That is the question.”

Yet it’s something you really need to consider. Every day there seems to be an ever increasing number of girls wandering around with a pair of headphones in their ears wired directly to their mobile phones or mp3 players, all delivering a range of sounds from the sweet melodies of Tchaikovsky to the frantic pace of Pendulum. There’s also audio books, hypnosis and personal development programs by the boatload to keep you entertained on your commute to work or during that short walk to the shops. In fact, there’s so much good stuff out there you could spend the rest of your life plugged into your headphones and still miss something wonderful that could suit you perfectly. But what are you really missing out on by staying plugged in?

Here’s something that you may not have noticed until now. As soon as you plug yourself in, you dull down all of your other senses because the auditory part of your brain becomes more dominant. Think about it, have you ever had somebody stand two feet away from you waving their hands to get your attention whilst you stand in an oblivious trance with Riana or J-Lo bouncing around inside your ears?

We all do it, and I love having music to help me through the day as much as anyone, but the whole time you have your focus on the auditory part of your brain you’re missing out on the subtle clues around you that might lead to an interesting conversation with a tall handsome stranger… Not only that, but if you observe those around you wearing headphones, you’ll notice that they all have a slightly vacant expression on their faces.

This is because the kinesthetic part of the brain that controls muscle movement is playing second fiddle to the auditory part.* Just as the “fight or flight” response shuts down digestion and daydreaming, over stimulation of the auditory circuit reduces the attention usually reserved for vision or muscles. Now whilst this auditory distraction may be a good thing if you’re on the treadmill and end up running for twice your usual distance because you were listening to some particularly bangin’ tracks (and notice how when you really zoned out your vision became less focused as well), it doesn’t really help you in the quest for finding the man of your dreams (unless you’re exceptionally obese, but I know you aren’t).

So not only are you missing out on the clues that available men are giving off, you also look like a zombie whilst you do it! It’s lose-lose however you view it and it isn’t helping you to be more attractive. To add a whopper-triple-whammy to it, guys will almost never approach a girl who’s wearing earphones because it’s not only a signal to us that you don’t want to be disturbed, but it’s also an easy cop-out that most men cling onto to avoid the fear of rejection and justify why they didn’t approach you.

I know this sounds ridiculous but 99.999% of guys are afraid of approaching you and starting a conversation. Seriously! All you are doing by putting in headphones is making sure that the one solid decent guy that might have taken a chance on finding out who you really are is going to walk right by you with nothing but a fleeting burst of eye contact and a missed opportunity that may have changed the rest of your life.

Why would you risk that for the sake of a song?

Do yourself a favour and keep your eyes and ears open to the possibility of a new interaction. Who knows, the next person you sit next to on the bus or in the park may end up being the love of your life, but he might never find out if you're too focused on your own internal world.

To make sure the next hot guy to walk past you stops for a stimulating conversation, head to http://www.mr-right.me/your_special_day.html

*unless you are at a live event where the vibration of the music stimulates the auditory and kinesthetic circuit in equal measures, that’s why you feel compelled to sing and dance.

Tip of the Iceberg

An Iceberg may have been the downfall of the most famous ship in history, but your chances of communicating effectively with a man could be just as easily doomed as that maiden voyage was, if you fail to understand the basic nature of how men and women differ in their ways of communicating.

In the study of conversation, there are two elements to every sentence:

The Surface Structure which is the actual words you say, the visible tip of the iceberg so to speak. And the Deep Structure, which is the many permutations of their meaning, or what really lurks below the surface.

For example, the statement: ‘That blouse is quite tight’ (surface structure) could have several interpretations (deep structure)

A. You could lose a few pounds.

B. They may have a larger size in stock.

C. It makes you look a little trampy.

D. You’re not a teenager anymore.

E. It shows off your assets perfectly.

F. That should get all the men’s attention.

And often, the interpretation you choose will be the one that most accurately fits your model of the world. So in the above example, if you know you’re a little over your usual weight you may instantly jump to option A. Conversely, if you are of a slight build and want to advertise the fact, then option F will seem more appropriate. Therefore you will presume that this is what the person making the comment wishes to communicate. But what about when it’s a little less clear cut? You make a judgment based on the many other clues you are given at the time; tonality, inflection, facial gestures, the character of the person who made the statement, the context, etc.

Women are exceptional in their ability to perform a swift trans-derivational search and come up with an appropriate meaning. Men, however, aren’t.

Men communicate mainly in surface structure only. That means when you say to him that his shirt is quite tight, he literally translates this into ‘man talk’ that you’ve simply made an observation. He won’t think any deeper about it unless you elaborate with more clues for him or he sees a mirror.

The idea of surface and deep structure is highlighted even further when we consider that women tend to communicate in terms of emotions and feelings, whereas men deal with the bare facts. It’s why ‘Sex in the city’ has a predominantly female audience whereas Chelsea versus Arsenal is generally male dominated.

So, to use this information to your advantage whilst chatting to a fabulously wonderful man, you might want to use slightly more descriptive language than you would with your girlfriends, to draw out the deeper emotional side of him that can be found lurking just below the surface.

Here’s an example of how this could work in a conversation at, say, an art gallery.

You spot him sitting on one of the benches that lie in the middle of the room. He’s looking relaxed and seems to be either deep in thought or is studying the piece in front of him through squinting eyes.

You approach, sit near enough to him to allow easy conversation but not right on top of him, then use your pre-opener followed by an observational opener. (Those unfamiliar with these terms and how to seamlessly begin an interaction with a new guy can download the details here: http://www.mr-right.me/products_and_services/A4pdf-1.html) You can then, after a few moments of light banter continue with something like this:

‘It’s incredible isn’t it, even though I don’t have the slightest idea about art, you can really appreciate how, when you see a piece of art like this, you feel a real sensation of sympathy for what the artist was feeling at the time.’

Or at a wine tasting:

‘It’s incredible isn’t it, even though I don’t have the slightest idea about wine, I love the fruity tang of when it first hits my tongue, followed by the warm silky feeling in my throat as I swallow it. But that’s nothing compared to the fab buzzy feeling I get from the third glass of course, cheers!’

Okay, I can hear you from here! Yes I know that a wine tasting or art gallery will generally lend themselves to more descriptive conversations, and this technique might not be so appropriate whilst picking leeks in your local co-op, but guess what? If you make it a priority to go to more culturally enhancing events, then you’ll not only meet a wider range of men, but you’ll actually have something interesting to say to the chap sat opposite you on the 7:58 to Waterloo on Tuesday morning as well!

Go out, have fun, and remember that a stranger isn’t a stranger; they’re just a future friend or partner you’ve yet to meet.

Hx