An Iceberg may have been the downfall of the most famous ship in history, but your chances of communicating effectively with a man could be just as easily doomed as that maiden voyage was, if you fail to understand the basic nature of how men and women differ in their ways of communicating.
In the study of conversation, there are two elements to every sentence:
The Surface Structure which is the actual words you say, the visible tip of the iceberg so to speak. And the Deep Structure, which is the many permutations of their meaning, or what really lurks below the surface.
For example, the statement: ‘That blouse is quite tight’ (surface structure) could have several interpretations (deep structure)
A. You could lose a few pounds.
B. They may have a larger size in stock.
C. It makes you look a little trampy.
D. You’re not a teenager anymore.
E. It shows off your assets perfectly.
F. That should get all the men’s attention.
And often, the interpretation you choose will be the one that most accurately fits your model of the world. So in the above example, if you know you’re a little over your usual weight you may instantly jump to option A. Conversely, if you are of a slight build and want to advertise the fact, then option F will seem more appropriate. Therefore you will presume that this is what the person making the comment wishes to communicate. But what about when it’s a little less clear cut? You make a judgment based on the many other clues you are given at the time; tonality, inflection, facial gestures, the character of the person who made the statement, the context, etc.
Women are exceptional in their ability to perform a swift trans-derivational search and come up with an appropriate meaning. Men, however, aren’t.
Men communicate mainly in surface structure only. That means when you say to him that his shirt is quite tight, he literally translates this into ‘man talk’ that you’ve simply made an observation. He won’t think any deeper about it unless you elaborate with more clues for him or he sees a mirror.
The idea of surface and deep structure is highlighted even further when we consider that women tend to communicate in terms of emotions and feelings, whereas men deal with the bare facts. It’s why ‘Sex in the city’ has a predominantly female audience whereas Chelsea versus Arsenal is generally male dominated.
So, to use this information to your advantage whilst chatting to a fabulously wonderful man, you might want to use slightly more descriptive language than you would with your girlfriends, to draw out the deeper emotional side of him that can be found lurking just below the surface.
Here’s an example of how this could work in a conversation at, say, an art gallery.
You spot him sitting on one of the benches that lie in the middle of the room. He’s looking relaxed and seems to be either deep in thought or is studying the piece in front of him through squinting eyes.
You approach, sit near enough to him to allow easy conversation but not right on top of him, then use your pre-opener followed by an observational opener. (Those unfamiliar with these terms and how to seamlessly begin an interaction with a new guy can download the details here: http://www.mr-right.me/products_and_services/A4pdf-1.html) You can then, after a few moments of light banter continue with something like this:
‘It’s incredible isn’t it, even though I don’t have the slightest idea about art, you can really appreciate how, when you see a piece of art like this, you feel a real sensation of sympathy for what the artist was feeling at the time.’
Or at a wine tasting:
‘It’s incredible isn’t it, even though I don’t have the slightest idea about wine, I love the fruity tang of when it first hits my tongue, followed by the warm silky feeling in my throat as I swallow it. But that’s nothing compared to the fab buzzy feeling I get from the third glass of course, cheers!’
Okay, I can hear you from here! Yes I know that a wine tasting or art gallery will generally lend themselves to more descriptive conversations, and this technique might not be so appropriate whilst picking leeks in your local co-op, but guess what? If you make it a priority to go to more culturally enhancing events, then you’ll not only meet a wider range of men, but you’ll actually have something interesting to say to the chap sat opposite you on the 7:58 to Waterloo on Tuesday morning as well!
Go out, have fun, and remember that a stranger isn’t a stranger; they’re just a future friend or partner you’ve yet to meet.
