When one door of happiness closes, another opens; but often we look so long at the closed door that we do not see the one which has been opened for us."
Helen Keller
Helen Keller
Get yr hat on gal!
A smart girl’s guide to deleting the ex from your mind.
I know you’ve all done it; those days when you’ve been unable to concentrate at work, repeated moments throughout your life when you ‘catch yourself’ thinking about him just a little too intensely. Then, once evening draws in, you switch the television off halfway through a film because you’ve lost the plot, you knock your glass to the floor because you just weren’t concentrating and finally, when your head hits the pillow, you lie alone for hours in a futile knot of unburned emotional energy, running scenarios, fantasies and memories through your mind of how life ‘should’ be, with ‘him’ to share your hopes, dreams and passions. Not how it really is, with him only there in your private thoughts.
Sound familiar?
I’ve found a great deal of issues that some of you girls have with regard to attraction and dating, stem from the repeated thoughts you hold in your unconscious mind that focus on either one of your ex-boyfriends, or an unattainable man that you are continually trying to catch the eye of, but he’s just not interested. To address this issue once and forever I have come up with two techniques that will rinse your mind clean and allow it to reset itself with not even the slightest hint of emotional baggage to bog it down in the future. In this article I’m going to reveal the first.
Revolutionary psychologist Edward DeBono continues to come up with ever entwining theories in his quest for understanding how the human brain works. The most famous of which is his 6 thinking hats model that is primarily designed for more constructive thinking in the company boardroom. It allows each model of human thinking to be represented and then discussed, in order, to reach a balanced and fair conclusion to all of the mismatched parties. But useful in a business sense as it is, I see it as more of a tool to use in the field of dating and attraction.
He suggests that in a business environment the information should be distilled into six distinct psychological areas, each represented by a ‘hat’ you might wear whilst discussing a certain aspect:
Facts (White hat) - considering purely what information is available, what are the facts?
Emotions (Red hat) - instinctive gut reaction or statements of emotional feeling (but not any justification)
Bad points (Black hat) - logic applied to identifying flaws or barriers, seeking mismatch
Good points (Yellow hat) - logic applied to identifying benefits, seeking harmony
Creativity (Green hat) - statements of provocation and investigation, seeing where a thought goes
Thinking (Blue hat) - thinking about thinking
Now whilst these areas of thought may gel well in the boardroom, they might need a little modifying when it comes to dating and attraction. Let me revise this theory for you into one you may find useful with regard to moving on from your past and embracing a future that you really deserve!
Okay, think of the guy that you’ve been thinking about far too often. You know, the one for whom you still hold a candle for yet is so unbelievably wrong for you, the one who you feel you should truly be right for on an emotional level, but there’s just far too much evidence to show that you aren’t. On a logical level you know that it’s never going to work, yet when those emotions make their way speedily through your veins of desire it’s hard to just let go. I know, I used to feel it too. Run your hopes, fears and emotions through the Mr Right 6 hats thinking system and see where you come out. A darn site better off would be my guess, but take the test and let’s see…
Grab yourself a clean sheet of paper and draw 5 vertical lines down it to give you 6 columns. Then turn the paper 90 degrees so as the lines are now horizontal. In the top column, on the left hand side, write the word White. The column below that, write the word Red, the one below that; Black, the one below that; yellow, the next; blue and the final column; Green. Now you have your chart, it’s time to fill it in. Write a list of words that resonate with you in regard to the guy you’ve found it hard to stop thinking about, but to do it in a structured, useful way I’d like you to stick to the following guidelines:
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Facts (White hat) – Where does he live? How tall is he? What build? Is he intelligent? Does he have a car? Is he patient? Is he available? How many ex-girlfriends does he have? Etc. Remember, write only facts in this column, not opinions or dreams, just the facts young lady.
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Emotions (Red hat) – How does he make you feel? Love/hate/stress/frustration/empathy/apathy? Are there moments when he can do no wrong/nothing right? How does that make you feel?
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Bad points (Black hat) – What gnaws away at your patience? Negatives, seek all that may be a mismatch, does he dress badly? Have dog breath? Too little time to see you? Selfish? Moody? (Clue: Make this list really long!)
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Good points (Yellow hat) – Where do you both enjoy harmony, what are the real benefits of having this (guy above any other) in your life. Make them real and tangible, not just wishes. (Clue: Make this list really short!)
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Fantasy (Green hat) – Where could things go in a fantasy world? If he was a dreamer, would success have ever really happened? Or if he was abusive, might you have ended up in A&E?
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Thinking (Blue hat) – Okay, here’s the sensible hat. Look at all you have written with an objective frame of mind; are the good emotions really worth the pain you go through with the negative points clearly spelled out? Will your fantasy of him having more time for you in the future ever come true? Take an unbiased look at all you have written and recognize the plus and minus points for both.
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Now you have an unbiased chart of how you really perceive this guy, you can make an informed decision as to whether it’s worth pursuing him any further or not. If, with your red hat on, your emotions were predominantly negative, your black hatted bad points ran to three pages on their own, and the yellow capped good aspects were summarized in three bullet points that you struggled to find, then I think you know the answer. I’d advise that you cut out the section where you’ve written your ‘Black Hat’ thinking, fold it neatly and put it in your purse. Every time you start to find your mind wandering to the danger zone of ‘What if…’ All you need to do is grab the piece of paper from your purse and read it through a couple of times. Before long, he’ll just be a distant blip in your past, allowing you to get on with the really important task of finding your true Mr Right…
If, however, you came up with something either perfectly balanced or positively brimming with points in his favour, then you might want to show your chart to a close friend who also knows him so as you can get a second opinion.
If you still feel that he’s “The One” then you’d best read ‘Mr Right’ the book, available just one click away:
Or alternatively, if you want to really fast-track your progress, you can come and attend the next “Live in London” event which is scheduled for Wednesday February 23rd (tbc)
Have fun, and always keep this quote from Mark Twain in mind:
“Never allow someone to be your priority while allowing yourself to be their option”
Luv n kisses
Hx
Author: Hag Hughes.
Author: Hag Hughes.
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