Tip of the Iceberg

An Iceberg may have been the downfall of the most famous ship in history, but your chances of communicating effectively with a man could be just as easily doomed as that maiden voyage was, if you fail to understand the basic nature of how men and women differ in their ways of communicating.

In the study of conversation, there are two elements to every sentence:

The Surface Structure which is the actual words you say, the visible tip of the iceberg so to speak. And the Deep Structure, which is the many permutations of their meaning, or what really lurks below the surface.

For example, the statement: ‘That blouse is quite tight’ (surface structure) could have several interpretations (deep structure)

A. You could lose a few pounds.

B. They may have a larger size in stock.

C. It makes you look a little trampy.

D. You’re not a teenager anymore.

E. It shows off your assets perfectly.

F. That should get all the men’s attention.

And often, the interpretation you choose will be the one that most accurately fits your model of the world. So in the above example, if you know you’re a little over your usual weight you may instantly jump to option A. Conversely, if you are of a slight build and want to advertise the fact, then option F will seem more appropriate. Therefore you will presume that this is what the person making the comment wishes to communicate. But what about when it’s a little less clear cut? You make a judgment based on the many other clues you are given at the time; tonality, inflection, facial gestures, the character of the person who made the statement, the context, etc.

Women are exceptional in their ability to perform a swift trans-derivational search and come up with an appropriate meaning. Men, however, aren’t.

Men communicate mainly in surface structure only. That means when you say to him that his shirt is quite tight, he literally translates this into ‘man talk’ that you’ve simply made an observation. He won’t think any deeper about it unless you elaborate with more clues for him or he sees a mirror.

The idea of surface and deep structure is highlighted even further when we consider that women tend to communicate in terms of emotions and feelings, whereas men deal with the bare facts. It’s why ‘Sex in the city’ has a predominantly female audience whereas Chelsea versus Arsenal is generally male dominated.

So, to use this information to your advantage whilst chatting to a fabulously wonderful man, you might want to use slightly more descriptive language than you would with your girlfriends, to draw out the deeper emotional side of him that can be found lurking just below the surface.

Here’s an example of how this could work in a conversation at, say, an art gallery.

You spot him sitting on one of the benches that lie in the middle of the room. He’s looking relaxed and seems to be either deep in thought or is studying the piece in front of him through squinting eyes.

You approach, sit near enough to him to allow easy conversation but not right on top of him, then use your pre-opener followed by an observational opener. (Those unfamiliar with these terms and how to seamlessly begin an interaction with a new guy can download the details here: http://www.mr-right.me/products_and_services/A4pdf-1.html) You can then, after a few moments of light banter continue with something like this:

‘It’s incredible isn’t it, even though I don’t have the slightest idea about art, you can really appreciate how, when you see a piece of art like this, you feel a real sensation of sympathy for what the artist was feeling at the time.’

Or at a wine tasting:

‘It’s incredible isn’t it, even though I don’t have the slightest idea about wine, I love the fruity tang of when it first hits my tongue, followed by the warm silky feeling in my throat as I swallow it. But that’s nothing compared to the fab buzzy feeling I get from the third glass of course, cheers!’

Okay, I can hear you from here! Yes I know that a wine tasting or art gallery will generally lend themselves to more descriptive conversations, and this technique might not be so appropriate whilst picking leeks in your local co-op, but guess what? If you make it a priority to go to more culturally enhancing events, then you’ll not only meet a wider range of men, but you’ll actually have something interesting to say to the chap sat opposite you on the 7:58 to Waterloo on Tuesday morning as well!

Go out, have fun, and remember that a stranger isn’t a stranger; they’re just a future friend or partner you’ve yet to meet.

Hx

Location, Location, Location.

There are some questions that will always crop up like clockwork, every time I hold a live event, a coffee morning or coach somebody on a 1:1 basis. So today I’m addressing one of the most frequently asked questions I get as soon as you girls begin to learn the secrets of attracting your perfect Mr Right.

Where are all the decent men hiding?

So below, I’ve compiled a list of my top 5 venues where you’re most likely to find him, and before you read on, please note the absence of any bars, clubs or internet dating sites.

“Wow” I hear you say, “you mean to say that single men really do exist out in the real world?!”

Err, yes, if you know where to look. As those who have already read my book “Mr Right” will know, I believe that the traditional places for finding a partner for life (bars, clubs, pubs, dating websites etc.) are actually the worst environments to do it, not the best. This is because they are all unnatural environments that don’t necessarily reflect your usual behaviour once in a stable relationship. After all, would you surf the internet to find new friends? (Okay, the facebook addicts can put their hands down now) Would you wander down to your local pub/club/bar in order to find someone that might be offering that perfect new job you’ve been looking for? Of course not (I hope!)

So why do people repeatedly use these environments to choose their partner for life?

Answer: Habit.

So in order to break the habit, you need a new and improved one. Here are my top 5 tips of both venues and a few accompanying ideas of how to initiate a conversation in a natural, non-needy way once you spot him there…

1. Art Gallery.

The perfect environment for a natural conversation to develop around the piece of art you both find yourself staring at. Art is always subjective, it stirs a feeling inside you and even the most uneducated of human beings have an opinion on it. It’s the easiest place in the world to start a conversation because the environment evokes emotion on many levels, and what better starting point for getting to know somebody.

Don’t be fooled into thinking that the galleries will be full of stuffy “arty” types, you’ll be sure to find some incredibly interesting people inside the walls of these places, and are usually quite well-heeled to boot.

Insider info: The smaller the gallery the better, you’re more likely to bump into the same person a couple of times, therefore increasing the likelihood of a conversation being initiated. Also, most shops that sell art to the public have a mailing list of private launches that they will invite you to. You don’t have to buy anything, or even be knowledgeable, you just get a party invitation from them once or twice a year.

2. Wine Tasting.

This has all the trappings of a perfect environment. It’s in the host’s interests to ensure everyone is having a good time because if people feel comfortable, they’re more likely to buy a case of the wine he’s sloshing into your glass for free. Everyone has a common interest in discussing each bottle’s attributes whilst the usual social barriers fade into the distance with the onset of tipsiness. Perfect! Just be careful not to get sloshed and end up doing something that even Bridget Jones might cringe at.

3. Public Transport.

Useful, now you have the warm glow from the wine tasting, you’ll probably talk to everyone on the bus en-route home. Aside from that, all means of public transport are fantastic places to begin an interaction, and by this I include airport lounges, the escalators up and down the shopping centre or tube station, lifts, busses, trains, anywhere that you are going to be in a fixed environment with somebody for a period of time.

For example, here’s one way of starting a conversation on a train, it’s a question followed by a statement that leads gently into a conversation without seeming forced or fake. I’ve kept it briefer than it would naturally be in conversation due to the fact that I’m just illustrating the idea, not the content (and yes, it did really happen to me)

“Does this train go to Birmingham?”

“Yes, it does.”

“Just thought I’d check as the signs on the platform were a little confusing. I once ended up standing all the way to Paris due to a mix up of platforms.”

“Really.”

“Yes, I boarded the packed Eurostar train just before departure, and arrived at my seat to find an elderly lady sat in it. I pointed the fact out to her that she was sat in my seat, but she was adamant it was hers. I therefore retrieved the ticket from my pocket and waved it under the dozy bat’s nose, clearly depicting the seat, row and carriage that she was occupying. She looked a little befuddled and then checked her ticket which also sported the same seat, aisle and carriage number as mine. Swearing to wring the neck of the travel agent upon my return, I then stood in the aisle for the duration of our journey. Several hours later, upon hearing the announcement that we would shortly be reaching our destination; Gare de Nord, Paris, The old bat then piped up with a mumbled apology, as she was meant to be on the Brussels train, not the Paris one!”

"How interesting, it reminds me of..."

This story always gets a laugh, and is just an example of how a conversation on a train can be created with little prompting or thought. If you commute on the train every day, it may be worth doing a little homework and coming up with something similar that you can use, should you end up sat opposite Him on your journey home one evening.

If you think this sounds a little forward or far-fetched, one of my close friends had their first child last year, with a man she met on the 6-15 from Waterloo on a rainy dismal Tuesday evening.

4. Department Store.

“What!” I hear you say. Yes, really, a department store is the most magical place to hunt down that perfect man of your dreams. Don’t believe me? Well this weekend, head out to a city near you and just take your eyes off of all the sparkly things with price tags on long enough to take in your environment and just marvel at the number of men all around you.

Don’t be fooled if they have girls with them, often guys will take a friend along for a female opinion on clothes or home-wares. It doesn’t mean that they’re in a relationship, a simple observation of their body language towards each other should reveal the answer in most cases (If the guy looks happy and positive but there’s little intimate physical contact like hand holding, touching in intimate areas like around the waist, inside thigh, bum etc. or prolonged eye gazing then they are probably just friends).

Head to a men’s clothing department and pick out two shirts that you quite like, then search for your nearest man hunk in order to get his opinion on which he would prefer. You can act as-if you are buying for a friend’s birthday or something similar but just can’t make your mind up. If this is too bold for you, then try asking a couple of assistants for their opinion first, as this will always boost your conversational muscles.

After all, they’re being paid just to be nice to you so you’re only helping them do their job!

5. Sporting Events.

Whilst I’m an avid fan of keeping a healthy mind & body, you should also realise that it can be a great help in finding your soul-mate whilst you do it. Now I wouldn’t recommend entering a triathlon if you have a cream cake, beer and cigarette addiction, whilst your family has a history of dodgy heart conditions, I would however, wholeheartedly recommend choosing an activity that fits within your capabilities and lifestyle. After all, there are walking clubs that organise a riverside amble whilst dangling the metaphoric carrot of a pub lunch at the end of it up and down the country every weekend of the year.

There’s also hoards of men flocking to the various sports grounds and stadiums week in-week out for their fix of cheering and camaraderie, imagine how much attention a group of five or six single girls would get in an environment like that, quite a lot I would think… Then there’s the various clubs offering anything from badminton to bowls, hockey to horse riding, scaling a cliff face to sailing a skiff race. There’s a wealth of leisure pastimes that would promote easy conversation and an instant connecting topic to build on. You get the added bonus of doing something healthy, and you are in an environment with like-minded people who you are more likely to have other things in common with.

Actually, on second thoughts, I’m being ridiculous here.

Surely you’d be better off standing with your back to the bar in a loud club, listening to the onslaught of overly suggestive slurs coming out of the mouth of yet another bloke called Darren from Croydon, who you’re sure you recognise from the iffy picture on “Perfect-soulmate.con” but he doesn’t now seem to be the attractive prospect you’d imagined from reading his description, with that “gsoh, generous and athletic person who loves both the passion and adventure of an impromptu weekend away, as well as the relaxed intimacy of a glass of wine and a dvd whilst cuddled up on the sofa” type of personality his profile might have suggested…

For more great tips and to get your copy of Mr Right-the book, please click the link below:

Yes, I want to find my perfect Mr Right!

Author: Hag Hughes.

reasons to get intimate (as if you ever needed a reason!)

 
The article below was written by by Parul Tyagi and published in EzineArticles
 I found it on one of Paulo Coelho's tweets and thought you may find it interesting...

Paulo Coelho’s book titled “Eleven Minutes” suggests that the “act of coming together” just takes about 2-3 minutes, while the remaining 9 minutes are no more than an attempt to reach the “crescendo” when a hormonal discharge provides ecstasy like none other!
Scientists have often debated that sex is extremely beneficial for our health, but the lack of sex in good measures can have negative effects. On the other hand, too much sex can also be harmful; if you indulge in sex for more than 3 times a week, you are exposing yourself to the risk of a weaker immune system as well as vulnerability to infections…

1. The balance of your mental and emotional health is definitely influenced by sex. While abstinence often leads to anxiety or paranoia and even depression…having sex can cure cases of light depressions. After having exercised sex, the brain releases endorphins that decrease stress and induce a wonderful state of euphoria.

2. For all you women, having regular sex means freedom from expensive salon treatments. An excellent beauty treatment, having sex actually doubles the level of estrogen in women and makes their hair shine with brilliance while making their skin supple and softer.

3. And if you want to live longer, then look no further than your own bedroom. According to a research carried out at Queens University in Belfast, Ireland, having regular sex increases the lifespan in humans. It was found that out of the people of the same age and health, those who had more frequent orgasms faced 50% less death rate than who people who didn’t have frequent orgasms.

4. Sex is an excellent deep-cleansing treatment as well. Since sex is a strenuous but enjoyable exercise, when you have sex the pores of your skin are cleansed leaving a brighter and glowing skin as well as decreasing the risk of developing dermatitis.

5. An inexpensive and pleasurable exercise, sex can make you lose weight. When you have sex after a candlelight romantic dinner, not only do you burn all the fat and carbohydrates you consumed, but you also stay healthy at no extra cost! Consider this: A single session of passionate, mind-blowing sex (even regular sex) can burn about 200 calories. This is equivalent to running for 15 minutes on a treadmill!

6. Ladies, if you like you man to have bulging biceps then have sex more often. Sex is a great way to strengthen muscles. Imagine the effort made by your man through those difficult pushes and flexions! Of course, it all depends on the stunts in your bed…but it’s definitely better than running for miles on miles.

7. The more active your sex life, the more attractive and irresistible you become for the opposite sex. Really! An active sex life means that your body gets into the habit of releasing more pheromones, chemicals that attract all those gorgeous, luscious women! No wonder Casanova was so popular!

8. Sex can sharpen your senses; especially enhance your sense of smell. After sex, prolactin is released that activates the stem cells in the brain to form new neurons in the olfactory bulb. This helps to improve your sense of smell.

9. A pain reliever, sex is TEN times more effective than painkillers such as Valium. Just before orgasm, the hormone oxytocin’s level rises almost 5 times, leading to release of large amount of endorphins. Endorphins are natural painkillers and relieve you of pain, minor headaches, and migraines without any after effects. Next time your lady has a headache, treat her with a vigorous session of lovemaking rather than a Valium.

10. The act of Kissing stimulates salivation, which helps clean food particles stuck between the teeth and lowers the acidity level in your mouth. This is the primary cause of tooth decay. So kiss all you want, after all it’s a great excuse!

So my dear friends, sex is not just good for the mind, the body, but the wallet as well!

Find out how to get that wonderful glowing apres orgasm feeling with the man of your dreams by heading to http://www.mr-right.me/

The Ex-Factor

When one door of happiness closes, another opens; but often we look so long at the closed door that we do not see the one which has been opened for us."
Helen Keller

Get yr hat on gal!

A smart girl’s guide to deleting the ex from your mind.

I know you’ve all done it; those days when you’ve been unable to concentrate at work, repeated moments throughout your life when you ‘catch yourself’ thinking about him just a little too intensely. Then, once evening draws in, you switch the television off halfway through a film because you’ve lost the plot, you knock your glass to the floor because you just weren’t concentrating and finally, when your head hits the pillow, you lie alone for hours in a futile knot of unburned emotional energy, running scenarios, fantasies and memories through your mind of how life ‘should’ be, with ‘him’ to share your hopes, dreams and passions. Not how it really is, with him only there in your private thoughts.

Sound familiar?

I’ve found a great deal of issues that some of you girls have with regard to attraction and dating, stem from the repeated thoughts you hold in your unconscious mind that focus on either one of your ex-boyfriends, or an unattainable man that you are continually trying to catch the eye of, but he’s just not interested. To address this issue once and forever I have come up with two techniques that will rinse your mind clean and allow it to reset itself with not even the slightest hint of emotional baggage to bog it down in the future. In this article I’m going to reveal the first.

Revolutionary psychologist Edward DeBono continues to come up with ever entwining theories in his quest for understanding how the human brain works. The most famous of which is his 6 thinking hats model that is primarily designed for more constructive thinking in the company boardroom. It allows each model of human thinking to be represented and then discussed, in order, to reach a balanced and fair conclusion to all of the mismatched parties. But useful in a business sense as it is, I see it as more of a tool to use in the field of dating and attraction.

He suggests that in a business environment the information should be distilled into six distinct psychological areas, each represented by a ‘hat’ you might wear whilst discussing a certain aspect:

Facts (White hat) - considering purely what information is available, what are the facts?

Emotions (Red hat) - instinctive gut reaction or statements of emotional feeling (but not any justification)

Bad points (Black hat) - logic applied to identifying flaws or barriers, seeking mismatch

Good points (Yellow hat) - logic applied to identifying benefits, seeking harmony

Creativity (Green hat) - statements of provocation and investigation, seeing where a thought goes

Thinking (Blue hat) - thinking about thinking

Now whilst these areas of thought may gel well in the boardroom, they might need a little modifying when it comes to dating and attraction. Let me revise this theory for you into one you may find useful with regard to moving on from your past and embracing a future that you really deserve!

Okay, think of the guy that you’ve been thinking about far too often. You know, the one for whom you still hold a candle for yet is so unbelievably wrong for you, the one who you feel you should truly be right for on an emotional level, but there’s just far too much evidence to show that you aren’t. On a logical level you know that it’s never going to work, yet when those emotions make their way speedily through your veins of desire it’s hard to just let go. I know, I used to feel it too. Run your hopes, fears and emotions through the Mr Right 6 hats thinking system and see where you come out. A darn site better off would be my guess, but take the test and let’s see…

Grab yourself a clean sheet of paper and draw 5 vertical lines down it to give you 6 columns. Then turn the paper 90 degrees so as the lines are now horizontal. In the top column, on the left hand side, write the word White. The column below that, write the word Red, the one below that; Black, the one below that; yellow, the next; blue and the final column; Green. Now you have your chart, it’s time to fill it in. Write a list of words that resonate with you in regard to the guy you’ve found it hard to stop thinking about, but to do it in a structured, useful way I’d like you to stick to the following guidelines:

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Facts (White hat) – Where does he live? How tall is he? What build? Is he intelligent? Does he have a car? Is he patient? Is he available? How many ex-girlfriends does he have? Etc. Remember, write only facts in this column, not opinions or dreams, just the facts young lady.

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Emotions (Red hat) – How does he make you feel? Love/hate/stress/frustration/empathy/apathy? Are there moments when he can do no wrong/nothing right? How does that make you feel?

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Bad points (Black hat) – What gnaws away at your patience? Negatives, seek all that may be a mismatch, does he dress badly? Have dog breath? Too little time to see you? Selfish? Moody? (Clue: Make this list really long!)

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Good points (Yellow hat) – Where do you both enjoy harmony, what are the real benefits of having this (guy above any other) in your life. Make them real and tangible, not just wishes.                 (Clue: Make this list really short!)

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Fantasy (Green hat) – Where could things go in a fantasy world? If he was a dreamer, would success have ever really happened? Or if he was abusive, might you have ended up in A&E?

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Thinking (Blue hat) – Okay, here’s the sensible hat. Look at all you have written with an objective frame of mind; are the good emotions really worth the pain you go through with the negative points clearly spelled out? Will your fantasy of him having more time for you in the future ever come true? Take an unbiased look at all you have written and recognize the plus and minus points for both.

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Now you have an unbiased chart of how you really perceive this guy, you can make an informed decision as to whether it’s worth pursuing him any further or not. If, with your red hat on, your emotions were predominantly negative, your black hatted bad points ran to three pages on their own, and the yellow capped good aspects were summarized in three bullet points that you struggled to find, then I think you know the answer. I’d advise that you cut out the section where you’ve written your ‘Black Hat’ thinking, fold it neatly and put it in your purse. Every time you start to find your mind wandering to the danger zone of ‘What if…’ All you need to do is grab the piece of paper from your purse and read it through a couple of times. Before long, he’ll just be a distant blip in your past, allowing you to get on with the really important task of finding your true Mr Right…

 If, however, you came up with something either perfectly balanced or positively brimming with points in his favour, then you might want to show your chart to a close friend who also knows him so as you can get a second opinion.

If you still feel that he’s “The One” then you’d best read ‘Mr Right’ the book, available just one click away:

http://www.mr-right.me/products_and_services/A4pdf-1.html

Or alternatively, if you want to really fast-track your progress, you can come and attend the next “Live in London” event which is scheduled for Wednesday February 23^rd (tbc)

http://www.mr-right.me/attraction_secrets_live.html

Have fun, and always keep this quote from Mark Twain in mind:

“Never allow someone to be your priority while allowing yourself to be their option”

Luv n kisses

Hx

Author: Hag Hughes.

Lover or Provider...

Why do a number of you girls always seem to fall for the wrong kind of guy, over and over again?

The answer may be all in the timing…

Attractive men, as you no doubt know, fall into two distinct categories:

Lover

Think- Diet coke break, the pool guy, tear-away celebrities, rock stars, bikers, adventurers.

Provider

Think- Caring partner who will look after you and your offspring, devoted father and defender of the nest so to speak.

Now my guess is, that if you find yourself in repetitively wild and crazy relationships with unpredictable guys who seem a little hard to pin down into a long-term monogamous relationship, then you are most likely looking a little too keenly for the Lover traits in the man of your dreams. If, however, you always end up with the boring guy in the suit who wants to stay home on a summer’s weekend and watch the news followed by the sports channel, then you’ve probably gone too far into the Provider realm, as he’s exhausted from earning that mountain money all week (at which point you’ll no doubt find yourself wondering what time that pool guy is coming round on Monday…) This is where affairs are born, the gradual slip from needing a provider to wanting a lover, and we all know how it feels to truly feel a sense of wanting, don’t we girls…;o) So to turn this all on it’s head I’ve come up with a theory based on hair.

Yep, you read it right, hair is the reason you ended up with your last boyfriend and the one before him no doubt. Before you think me mad or a little unhinged, allow me to explain:

During a girl’s cycle, there are two distinct periods of sexual activity and inactivity. The peak of sexual desire and lustful activity is commonly strongest during the days up to ovulation. Meaning that conversely, the inactive time is usually during the less fertile periods which encompass the couple of weeks on the other end of the monthly cycle. This, I’m sure, you are all plainly aware of, but during an experiment by David Perrett of St Andrews University, something interesting came to light…

Perrett took some photographs of men, and made two copies of each face. These he manipulated with photoshop to make one slightly more masculine looking by enhancing the hair and deepening the eyebrows, squaring the chin and thinning the lips. The other, previously identical picture then had the opposite treatment applied to make it appear more feminine. These differences were extremely subtle, and one may have to look quite hard in order to put a finger on what was different about them, but when placed side by side and shown to a number of women, the reaction was clear. Virtually all the girls that were near their ovulation period had a strong preference for the more masculine featured version of the man, whereas the softer, more feminised version was preferred by all that were in the less active part of their cycle.

One conclusion to draw from this could be, that the timing of when and where you go out may be led by your natural instinct to find a certain kind of man. If you find you socialise more during the periods of or near ovulation, then your radar will be scanning for the “Lover” types of men who are generally more forward and masculine in their manner. Conversely, I might suggest that if you find you socialise more when you are in a less fertile state, then you’re more likely to go to environments where the “Provider” species of male may be found grazing in larger numbers…

Contrast this with another experiment, this time conducted by the famous (and extremely amusing) evolutionary psychologist Geoffrey Miller.

Miller conducted his work with no less than 5,300 erotic dancers and strippers. He asked each one of these girls two simple questions after they had worked a normal five hour shift:

1. How much the girl made in tips that night?
2. At what point in her menstrual cycle was she?

 Once Miller had all of the results, he divided them into three groups:

1. Those that were ovulating.
2. Those that were menstruating.
3. Those who were neither.

So what was the outcome? What group did the men find most attractive? Remember there are over five thousand girls being studied here, so there’s no question of one group being better dancers or more physically attractive, it’s all down to the “vibe” they are giving off.

Well, the ovulators came out on top, so to speak, with an average tip of £325 versus the menstruators average of only £180. That’s an enormous 80% increase in wages for the ovulators versus the menstruators! They’re obviously sending a signal out that’s massively more attractive to the men around them than their counterparts.

So not only are you discarding the “Provider” types of men from your radar whilst you’re ovulating, and hunting specifically for a rugged “Lover” type of man, you’re actually sending out a signal that specifically draws him to you as well. No wonder you always attract the “Love you and leave you” types!

This month’s experiment:

A simple experiment to help you become more attuned to your body. Whenever you find yourself talking to a guy you find attractive, firstly give him a hotness rating out of ten (you can do it in your head, you don’t have to write it down). Then, make a note of where you are in your cycle. The number you first arrived at is correct if you are neither ovulating or menstruating. If, however, you are ovulating, then deduct three points from his hotness rating. Conversely, if you are menstruating, then you need to add three points to his rating.

This is just a fun idea, but will allow you to have a more level view of if you’d met him at another point in your cycle, and how your feelings may have differed then.

Go out, have fun, and get more of these wild ideas at http://www.mr-right.me/
Author: Hag Hughes.